Summer's Diary

November 11th, 2004
Dear Diary,
I have been feeling really sad since I came into care because I miss my mom and I don’t really like my new school because the teachers don’t like me and nobody wants to hang out with me so I spend a lot of time by myself. I think that’s why the doctors decided I should go on medication but I don’t want to become a drug addict. Nobody ever seems to listen to me or care about what I want. I don’t know what to do – HELP!!!

December 16th, 2004
Dear Diary,
I went to a Christmas party at the youth in care office yesterday. I really didn’t want to go because I didn’t know anyone but Lenora and Mirika said people would want to meet me so I went with them. At the party, I got to meet other youth in care and some cool adults. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I wasn’t so alone because some of the youth wanted to get to know me and when I told them about myself, some of them said they had the same experiences as me. I was pretty shy but people asked me to be in pictures with them and everyone was really nice so it was ok.

December 27th, 2004
Dear Diary,
After the Christmas party I went to live with some of the network staff. I had a good Christmas and even got some cool presents. I got barrettes, two pretty bracelets, a new chair, and a nice red suitcase so I don’t have to use garbage bags to carry my stuff in when I move from now on. I also got a new pet from Nicole that I named “D” after my mom. I had a good Christmas even though I miss my mom. I helped Nicole cook a big Christmas dinner and got to hang out with her family who seem pretty nice. I never really got to cook before so Nicole taught me how to make some stuff and she didn’t even get made at me when I made a mistake. We had lots of fun and talked about stuff. I think I can trust her.

January 3rd, 2005
Dear Diary,
I got to play video games lots with Brionne over the Christmas holidays. He’s pretty cool and funny sometimes. He is native too. And on the New Years weekend, I got to go to a cool powwow at the Friendship Centre in Vancouver where I watched the drummers and singers and dancers. Brionne has started to teach me some traditional songs and said he’d help me find someone to teach me how to dance too because I really liked watching the fancy shawl dancers. I like hanging out with Brionne because he doesn’t drink or smoke or anything and he practices his culture all the time. I’ve asked him lots of questions about native stuff and he is really patient and honest.

January 9th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Wow I have been really busy over the past couple of weeks!!!
I started at my new school which was really hard. I was really nervous but some of the other kids from the network have helped me get through it. I didn’t know so many kids in care struggle with the same things as me. Lots of the leadership council members have told me that the staff at the network are really supportive when they need someone to talk to or they need help.

I like coming into the office to volunteer when I’m not in school. Colleen is really nice and she’s a good listener. I don’t know how she does it though…she’s gotta do all this stuff and answer the phones which seem to ring like crazy sometimes. I really like it when one of the other youth in care comes into the office and we all go out for lunch and talk about stuff. Some of the people who work at the network or come in to volunteer are really funny. I’ve been learning lots of stuff and maybe one day I’ll even apply for one of the youth jobs at the network!

January 25th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Well, I have been living with Colleen for a while now and it has been ok. She is really nice and she likes to read a lot. I’m not a very good reader but she has given me some books to try that are actually kind of interesting. She’s also helping me do lots of word searches and crossword puzzles which I wasn’t ever very good at. I finished my first crossword all by myself the other day though and she took me out to lunch to celebrate. I like living with Colleen but sometimes I miss going to cultural stuff because she doesn’t do a lot of that stuff.

February 10th, 2005
Dear Diary,
It’s 7:00pm and I just got back from a trip to Duncan (on Vancouver Island) with Nicole and Brionne and David. We went to a special event for the Aboriginal Foster Doll Awareness Project. I’ve been participating in this project since last year and it was cool to see some of the other kids from the project that I hadn’t seen in a while. I also got to help Nicole present to one of the Ministers. It was totally cool because almost all of the kids have homes now.
I really hope that some of the other kids like Angie, Daniel and Trevor get involved in the network too. Maybe they can even come to the SCM which would be really awesome because I’m super excited but I’m also nervous because everyone says it’s such a big deal!

February 13th, 2005
Dear Diary,
It’s really late – about 11:45pm I think and I’m just sitting here thinking about my mom and I really miss her.

I went to a sweat earlier this afternoon with Brionne and at first I was really nervous because I had never been to one before. I was so scared that it was going to be too hot for me and that I would be rude if I had to leave. But Brionne told me I could leave any time if I got too hot or too scared and nobody would be mad at me.

There were lots of people inside the little lodge and it was soooo hot. It was strange feeling inside too and I cried lots – I don’t know why. At least I wasn’t the only one, other people (all older than me) cried too. They sang some songs and we got breaks so we could go stand outside near the fire where they get the rocks hot. It was pretty cool and I’d like to try it again sometime but not for a while ‘cause I felt all nasty from sweating so much.
I can’t stop thinking about my mom. I’m really sad that she couldn’t visit with me this week. I know it’s because of her stooped boyfriend – he just doesn’t want me to see her because he treats her like shit and doesn’t want her to want me. I wish she would just take off on him and then her and I could go live together somewhere.

Well, time to get some sleep – got school tomorrow and get to make funky pillows in Home Ec class!

February 15th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I didn’t get any cards from anyone at school but I did get one from the Network that was signed by all the staff and some of the volunteers – that was really cool!!!

Colleen also took me out for dinner and got me a box of yummy chocolates. They were sooooo good that I ate the whole box since then!! I’ll probably break out now in hideous zits or get a big butt?

Colleen is really nice and I’m going to miss her when I move back in with Nicole. She said we’ll still see each other lots though because I’ll still go into the office to volunteer after school sometimes and she said I can come over to her place for dinner sometimes if I want too. I think I’ll ask Nicole if Colleen can come over for dinner and if I can make the dinner.

I gotta go lay down for a while – got a stomach ache from all those chocolates.

Sunday February 27th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Holy crap have I ever been busy over the past couple of weeks!!! I’m back at Nicole’s house again and my room is exactly as I left it which is pretty cool that she didn’t put away my stuff or anything. I even think she was looking forward to having me come back because she left a present for me on my bed – it is a pretty anklet that Martina made!

I haven’t written in a while so what should I talk about???

I’ve gone to a couple of interesting consultations with other native kids and some adults from the community because the Network is trying to develop a program for youth in care that will teach them aboriginal culture and stuff. I met some cool kids and I hope they will get involved with the Network too.

I also got to go to the Harlem Globetrotters game with Brionne. It was sooo much fun – those guys are amazing tricksters who can do almost anything imaginable with a basketball!!! Nicole came a bit later because she had a meeting and after the game, we saw Brionne’s sister and her kids – they are so cute! Then we got some McDonald’s on the way home.

The coolest thing though was the SCM this weekend. It was at a huge hotel in Richmond. I was really scared to go at first because I had heard all the kids at the Network talking about it so much and how many people are there and how they can’t wait to hook up with their friends. I was nervous because I only know a few kids so far and I didn’t know if other kids would like me very much. I was also scared because the NewsRag was coming out and I let the Network put in some of my other diary entries into it.

It was soooooo much fun though!!!!! I met lots of cool kids and all of them have been in care like me. There were lots of older kids there and some younger ones too so I wasn’t the youngest. I got to hang out ALL night on Friday in the hospitality suite. I made a bunch of funky magnets – I think I’ll send some to my mom. I was really tired on Saturday and it was hard to stay awake and focused because some of the workshops were kind of boring. I didn’t talk a lot during the consultations but I tried to listen to everything so I could learn about stuff like my rights and what services are out there. I also got to know some pretty cool adults too – like Martina and Opreet who are called hospitality staff. They stay up all night to keep an eye on us kids and to help us with crafting and stuff. Martina is awesome – she can do like anything! And some people came up to me and thanked me for being brave enough to share my diary entries in the newsletter which made me feel pretty good – I think I will share other diary entries for the next one if they ask me to.

Meeting all of these cool old people makes me miss my mom a lot. I wish she could be more like some of these adults because they don’t really get mad and freak out or anything – even when they are busy or pissed off, they talk to me like a person and ask me what I think about stuff. I don’t know how to talk to my mom sometimes.

Can’t wait to see my mom this week and to give her the magnets I made for her and tell her all about all the stuff I’ve done!!!

March 5th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Mom cancelled AGAIN! I don’t think she wants to see me anymore – I don’t know if she even loves me anymore. I guess her boyfriend is more important than me – I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I chucked the magnets I made for her in the garbage. Nicole tried to make an excuse for her but I know she just doesn’t want to see me so I just won’t show up if she wants to make another appointment!

Shoot – gotta go, Nicole wants me to help her make dinner tonight.

March 5th, 2005
Dear Diary,
I’m back. Dinner was good – we made maple salmon and everyone really liked it! I was really happy that Colleen came over for dinner and I showed her the big crossword puzzle that I just finished.

After dinner Nicole came to talk to me about my mom. She said my mom loves me she just gets sad when she sees me because she knows she can’t take care of me. It shouldn’t be hard for my mom to see me though if she loves me right? Nicole also suggested I write my mom a letter telling her how much I love her and how it makes me feel when she cancels our visits and doesn’t keep her promises. Before she left my room, she put the magnets that I chucked out on my dresser. I don’t know if I can tell my mom how I feel – I’ll have to think about it…

March 10th, 2005
Dear Diary,
I volunteered all afternoon in the kitchen at the Friendship Centre while Brionne and David from the Network participated in a rights of passage ceremony. It was pretty cool being in the kitchen even though I got my favourite shirt all oily. I got to watch over the salmon on the grill and it smelled soooooo good. We cooked and put together plates for over 150 people!!! Then when the private parts of the ceremony were over, we all got to have the feast together in the gym. They even brought me up with the other kitchen helpers to thank us for the work we had done. I didn’t want to go up in front of everyone at first because I’m too shy, but one of the other kitchen helpers made me come up with him and it was nice ‘cause I got a blanket.

When I got home tonight, I started writing a letter to my mom. It’s really hard to do though because I’m still mad at her. But I don’t want to hurt her feelings – I’m afraid that it I tell her how I feel, she won’t want to see me ever again. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I will ask my counsellor next week.

March 13th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Went to a cool pow wow out in White Rock this weekend. Got to go with Brionne, Nicole and Willy from Quesnel. There were some pretty good dancers there and lots of beautiful crafts and jewellery – I really like the way the beaded jewellery looks and wish I could make stuff that pretty. After the pow wow we went out for dinner to Joey Tomatoes – the food was awesome!!!! And they had a crazy looking glass thing in the middle of the room. I hope I get to go back to that place sometime.

But for now, it’s time to go make dinner for Brionne ‘cause it’s his birthday today – he’s old now (30)!!! I’m making him buffalo burgers ‘cause that’s one of his favourites.

March 14th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Just got back from my counselling appointment after school this afternoon. Only got a few minutes before dinner and then HOMEWORK ? My counsellor thinks it would be good for me and for my mom if I write her the letter. She said she thinks it will help my mom to see how important she is to me. She also said that my mom might get hurt feelings too but not because of what I say – but because she might realize she’s hurting me by not showing up for visits. She also told me that if I wanna show her or Nicole the letter before I send it to my mom, that one of them can help me make sure my thoughts are clear so my mom will understand what I’m really saying. I still don’t really know what to do. Maybe I’ll just write the letter and then see how I feel then.

March 22nd, 2005
Dear Diary,
Well, I finally wrote the letter for my mom but I don’t know if I will be brave enough to give it to her this weekend when she comes to visit. I think I might just slip it in her purse or something when she’s leaving so she won’t see it until she gets home or something. I’m so nervous about seeing her but I’m a bit excited too. If it goes good, I’ll probably give her the magnets.

It’s Spring Break right now and I’m glad to not be at school everyday. I’ve been working really hard lately and my tutor says I’m doing better. I finally picked which country I’m going to do my geography project on – New Zealand because I read about native people there called the Maori. They have some neat traditional dances that they do so I think I’m going to show my class one as part of my presentation.

I’ve also read two books since January and I really liked them both because they were about regular people who had crappy lives kinda like me. Actually, they both made me feel a bit guilty because their lives sucked worse than mine so what do I have to complain about right? Hmmnnn… I think other youth in care should read books like these too. I’ll ask Nicole if I can bring them into the office.

March 27th, 2005
Dear Diary,
My mom HATES ME!!!! She never showed up for our visit yesterday. I don’t understand why she doesn’t love me anymore. What did I ever do to her? I wish I had just sent her that stoopid letter I wrote her ‘cause maybe she would feel bad for always breaking her promises to me. I wish she would just stop saying she wants to visit me if she really doesn’t!!!!!!

I feel bad because I flipped out when Nicole told me my mom had to cancel again. I yelled at her and swore at her and told her not to make excuses for my mom because she’s supposed to be here for me not for my mom. Then I went to my room and slammed the door and didn’t come out again until after she had gone to bed. I guess I should tell her I’m sorry.

April 3rd, 2005
Dear Diary,
Boo – it’s back to school tomorrow ?

I didn’t go anywhere over Spring Break – but I did volunteer lots of time at the Network office. I got to help Colleen answer phones and do stuff like photocopying. I also got to sign the April birthday cards for other members!!! We went out for lunch a couple of times with other kids and guests who came into the office for meetings and stuff – we went to the sushi place (a bit yukky), the greek place where they have really good fried cheese (even though cheese gives me an upset tummy) and to IHOP (mmmmmmmmm)!!!

I’m actually pretty excited about going back to school – well I’m excited about working on my geography presentation. I’m going to ask my tutor to help me with the written part – I hope I do good enough on the presentation and traditional food to pass because I don’t think I will do well on the paper part.

April 10th, 2005
Dear Diary,
OH MY GOD – I DON’T THINK I WILL EVER BE ABLE TO WALK AGAIN!!!!

We just got back from the 10 KM MS walk out in Maple Ridge and my feet and legs are soooooo sore right now that I can’t even stand up. It was kinda fun though. We went all the way out to Maple Ridge and did the walk with Martina and her family. She is one of the hospitality staff and she just found out she has MS. That must be pretty scary for her but hopefully they will raise enough money to find a cure for it. After the walk, we went for lunch at this cool log cabin place and I had a humungous waffle that was soooo yummy! Time to lay on the couch in front of the tv – Nicole says she’ll set up the foot spa for me too ?

April 22nd, 2005
Dear Diary,
Today was my birthday – I’m 16 now and I wanna go get my driver’s license as soon as possible but my worker hasn’t called me back and I’ve left 3 messages already.

The staff and some of the volunteers took me out for lunch on Wednesday to celebrate my birthday! We went to IHOP because it’s my favourite place near the office. I was super embarrassed when they sang happy birthday to me but it was ok anyway!

But Nicole and Brionne and Colleen all took me out to dinner and a movie for my birthday tonight! We went to a seafood place in Steveston called Shady Island. I have been trying lots of seafood since I moved out here and I had garlic shrimp and salad and a seafood hot pot for dinner which was really yummy. I think it was really expensive but they didn’t tell me how much. After dinner, we got frozen yogurt up at the docks before going to see Sahara – with Matthew MacConahay (I got to pick the movie – he’s a total hottie)! The movie was awesome and it was really funny.

I had such a good day with them but I’m really disappointed because my mom didn’t even call me to wish me a happy birthday today ? I’m really beginning to think she just doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. I don’t know what I ever did to make her not love me. Now I wish I had sent her that letter after she cancelled the last time. I don’t think I ever want to see her again if she can’t even remember to call her own daughter on her birthday.

May 8th, 2005
Dear Diary,
We went to the Mother’s Day pow wow at Trout Lake today and Nicole’s mom met us there. Nicole bought her mom a really nice blue vase for Mother’s Day. She asked me if I wanted to get anything for my mom and I said no. I didn’t even call my mom today. Maybe now she’ll know how it feels not to be loved.

May 16th, 2005
Dear Diary,
I went to my second SCM this weekend and it was AWESOME!!! It was at this really nice camp place called Zajac but it was really far out in Mission and we had to go on a school bus down a gravel road to get there. We did lots of cool stuff all weekend and I talked a lot more this time about my opinions about stuff. I got to hang out with friends I met at the last SCM and even met some new friends too!

We did some activities that made me really nervous at first but I participated because everyone else did too – even the adults. The activities ended up being really fun but we had to run around all over the camp finding stuff and doing stuff in teams – I was soooo tired I couldn’t stay up late that night. I stayed up really late on Saturday night though and made pinyatas with Lacy and the other youth and then watched a real movie in the gym. I decided to watch the Incredibles which was pretty funny for a cartoon.

I also participated in Brionne’s pipe ceremony in the tepee which was pretty cool. I’m not allowed to say what went on in there because it’s supposed to be private for those people who were there, but it was very emotional. Some people were crying and sometimes we were all laughing too. I really like going to these ceremonies because it’s ok for me to be sad or happy – whatever I’m feeling at the time is ok and good. And I never feel dumb because I can ask any questions and Brionne doesn’t laugh at me he just tells me the answer if he knows it. I feel like it really helps me somehow but I can’t really explain it.

I really like going to these conferences. I don’t always get along with everyone but there’s lots of other kids and cool adults that I do like so I just hang out with them. I’m also learning stuff that’s important to my future – especially about rights and independent living and stuff. I hope I can keep coming to the Network when I get out of care in June because I will really miss everyone if I don’t. I feel like people accept me for me when I’m there and I feel like people care about what I think and they treat me like I know some important stuff because of my experience in foster care. I wish I had found out about the Network sooner.

May 20th, 2005
Dear Diary,
I’m sooooooo super-duper excited about going on this road trip tomorrow!!!!! I can’t wait to have adventures and see cool places that I have never been to before!!!! I get to be in charge of taking the pictures too!!!! I’m going to try to write in my diary every day but I don’t know how busy we will be.

Gotta go try to get some sleep ‘cause we’re leaving bright and early in the morning!

June 11th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Sorry I didn’t write while I was on the road but I forgot my diary at home and besides, I was way too busy most of the time anyway. When the pictures get developed, I will make a scrap book and put in journal entries and stuff from along the way.

Just a short description of the trip…

It was totally AWESOME!!!! We went down into Washington and al the way to a place called couer d’alene in Idaho on our first day. Then we drove down through Idaho and went to a couple of cool places like the Shoshone Ice Caves and Craters of the Moon Park. After that, we went back up towards Yellowstone Park and went to a place called BearWorld where we say bears and wolves and buffalo and elk and other animals. Then we spent a couple of days in Yellowstone Park where we saw all kinds of hot springs and even Old Faithful! Next we went to a ghost town in Cody Wyoming before heading up to the Little Bighorn Battlefield in Montana. We drove straight from here into South Dakota where we went to a place called Sturgis to get motorcycle shirts and went to some really neat caverns – 200 feet underground. My legs were really sore that day after going down and up so many stairs. That night, we also went to a chuck wagon show which was lots of fun. Before heading back up into Canada, we stopped in Pipestone Minnesota where all of the Indians get the stone to make their pipes.

When we got to Winnipeg, we visited the Manitoba Youth in Care Network and learned a bit about what they do there. Marie was really nice and she said I can be on their radio show if I want to. We also went to Brionne’s sundance ceremony which was really powerful. Everyone fasts and dances and prays for a few days. Nicole and I were helps for the women dancers. It rained a lot while we were there and the mosquitos were really bad too. After the sundance, we started heading home and only stopped for one night in Calgary before getting home.

I’m soooo tired still and I have got to do a lot of laundry now so – bye!

June 15th, 2005
Dear Diary,
I’m really sad about leaving Nicole’s place and going to the delegated agency up in Kamloops. I don’t really want to go on independent living yet ‘cause I don’t think I’m ready. I haven’t really told anyone this though because they’ve all been helping me get ready for tomorrow. I’ll give it a shot and see how things go and maybe if things don’t work out, they’ll let me go back to live with the folks from the Network???? I wish I knew what the future has in store for me ‘cause I’m scared. Gotta go finish packing now ?

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